Childhood

I have been thinking recently about how I wish to return to my childhood. I have been writing a personal essay style piece about my thoughts, I shall share a snippet here:

I want things to return to when things were simpler, I had less to worry about, less responsibilities and I could do whatever I wanted all day, simply to amuse myself, rather than to get things done. I could choose how I wanted to spend my time rather it be dictated for me.

I would choose how to spend my time at the weekends, what I wanted to do, play, read. Everything was for pleasure. What have I done recently that has been for my pleasure? Why do I feel guilty for doing things for pleasure?

In childhood, things are simpler. Money is the change in your pocket and can be exchanged for sweets on a regular basis. Food was made by your mum and served at the dinner table at the normal time. I was woken gently by my parents. My uniform was washed and ironed for me. I got to choose my lunch, but my mum made it. I sat in school and didn't need to do that much work. My homework was simple and easy to understand. I would sit in the conservatory and daydream for hours and listen to music. Bedtime was a delight and not a time of day in which I have to force my brain to shut down and my body to be still. Each day was the same, and regulated by someone else. I did not have to work. I was not my own responsibility.

I don’t want my mum to do everything for me, mind you. I do like my independence. Perhaps my anxiety is truly around my free time and leisure and doing things because I enjoy them. Time moves differently as you get older. You count minutes because you can get things done in minutes. As a child you while away hours playing. Leisure is not really a time I have in my schedule.

Perhaps I need to make time for myself, that it what all this boils down to, a lack of time for me. I need to run a bubble bath, grab a good book and a class of wine or mug of tea and settle down. Do something that I want to do, for me, for once.

I want to be a child for the convenience, and also the time. I no longer want to count the minutes and worry that I am not filling my time with enough or I am running out of time to get things done. I want to while away the hours doing things I enjoy.

Now, what do I enjoy?

I shall figure that out when I can clamber out from behind the stacks of books which threaten to enfulf my desk.

That's enough for today!

Soundtrack: Years & Years, an up-and-coming band who I'm really enjoying at the moment. Here is Real.