A letter to my mumma

To Mumma,

Really this letter is to say thanks, because when you think about it everything i know is because you taught me. As I'm getting older I'm starting to realise the reponsibility that motherhood really is, you're choosing to bring a new human into the world, to teach them and care for them for the rest of their lives.
And that is no small commitment. It's one that is frankly terrifying.

I'm now 25. Sure it means you don't have to hold my hand at road crossings, read me stories at night or cut up my food, but the commitment is no less small. I'm trying to figure out my place in life and you have always been instrumental in helping me. Always being a person to vent to, ask questions of or just to wipe my tears.

These last couple have years have been tough, for me and I'm sure for you too. I've seen you look bewildered at my behaviour and despairing that you couldn't help me. But you have. Your support and care has been unwavering in even my darkest moments. You've picked me up and let me cry, you've come to find me in bed to check I'm okay and you've helped me put myself back together again. I'm off my medication after a year and a half. I could never have done that without you, mum.

I know you read my blog, you always have supported even my wildest creative endeavours, even when i was young and bossy, through to reading my dissertation and dense academic essays during uni to find my multiple spelling mistakes. So i wanted to share this.

I will continue to share with you, which has really been the hardest thing in all of my depression. I never wanted to burden you with the truth, that i simply felt empty, I felt sad for no reason for so much of the time and i felt bad about it. But for now that is over. I'm back to being me. And i promise that i will continue to be open, should i relapse. You have always been the first person i vent to, and i will continue long past my twenties!

So thank you mumma, for your unwavering support, always. 

Everything i know is because of you, and i am proud of who i am now.
I love you.

Squidge xoxo

It says it all really. Today I was feeling introspective and grateful that I no longer have to remember to take that little tablet every morning to keep my brain in check and I felt a surge of gratitude to all that have helped me the last few years. So to all of you, thank you.
Stay safe in that sunshine,
R


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