The Big City

London once held some kind of place for me. It was a dream, to move to the big city, as every young naive girl does in every movie, and get a job in publishing and make something of myself. It's a city of endless opportunities, of intrigue, street performers and a new market around every corner. But to me it will always be simply a place to visit, enjoy and then leave. It really isn't me.
 

A long time ago it seemed like it was a pipe dream to live in London and I slowly learned that I could actually do it. But then I got scared. Now, I am easily scared by many things and a giant city that never sleeps and where everyone frowns at each other is certainly something to be scared of. So it never happened.

I worked in the big city for two weeks and commuted from Winchester and I fell a teensy bit in love with my Kensington surroundings, but not enough to warrant that hell of a commute. And maybe I avoid the city now because I feel I failed it in someway. That maybe being in London will make me wistful for something I can no longer fulfil. But it doesn't.

I returned to London this weekend, to visit a friend and it was lovely. Live shows in Trafalgar Square, lovely food and great company. But it is no longer a city that has any hold over me. I don't miss the life I could have had. It's too fast up here. And there are so many people, who all stare or ignore you totally. It's baffling. And no one smiles, no one moves. Whilst wheeling my suitcase along behind me, after several journeys around central, one man hung back so I could pass through a tight spot before him. He was the only person in the whole day to do something nice and selfless and with a smile on his face. I was tired and so grateful to that man.

I'm usually the weirdo smiling at people on the train and apologising and I like that about me. And I think London would have robbed me of that had I lived here. Sure I may have lead a great life in the city, had a better job, pursued a career closer attributed to my education perhaps, but I am leading my best life always in every decision I make. There is a reason for everything. Including glitter face paint.

The moment the train hurtles back towards Hampshire and the fields and trees come into view I can almost feel my lungs reinflate, as though London has stolen all the air in my body, that only the countryside can rectify. I feel the pull of the South Coast and the sea as though it's a tether that can bring me home.

So London doesn't have the hold on me it used to. I like to visit, and then leave.