A heartful of sadness

I awoke today to bright sunshine, but a heartful of sadness. One of the singers I have looked up to for years, has died. It may be Friday and it may be slightly less sticky hot than it has been, but i feel little joy.

Linkin Park were the soundtrack to my teenage years. Like most of us I have memories of their music forever etched onto my brain. I recently wrote article for Splendid Fred about musical memories, songs that took me back to certain moments, and one of those was Linkin Park. In fact there are so many memories associated with Linkin Park.

Back in the day, after senior school i'd come home and have half an hour to myself before my mum got home. Cue Kerrang TV turned up loud and my introduction to Crawling, Somewhere I belong and, always my personal favourite, In the End. These moments were the highlight of my day, I bounced around the room singing along and rewound them to watch every second of the video.

A few years later, after I'd downloaded all of Hybrid Theory and highlights of Meteora to my ancient iPod, they released the Minutes to Midnight album. I bought it in HMV and it was still shrink wrapped when my new boyfriend came over for the first time and wanted to listen to it because he thought I'd like it. Moments of that album have stayed with 14 year old me, even after we broke up not long after (fickle young love) and I weeped to the whole album.

And also my mum's love of Linkin Park lead to me burning her albums and us playing the Minutes to Midnight album endlessly in the car, knowing all the words and exactly the right time to turn to the next song because mum didn't like the shouty bits in No More Sorrow.

I remember learning the rap section of Bleed it out to impress a boy I liked and finding the edgiest and coolest lyrics to put in my screen name on MSN. Bonding with countless friends on countless nights out over a shared love of screaming the words to In the end. Always waiting for Linkin Park to be played at Detention in uni because they'd always play the good ones and it was glorious to hear them so loud. Watching their headline download set a few years ago with the whole Hybrid Theory album played in full.

Man I just love this band!

I heard the opening chords of Numb this morning and burst into tears. How could such a wonderful creator, with that amazing and distinctive voice, have felt so alone and so beyond help that he took his life?

Depression my friends. It's a bitch.

Please, if anyone reading this feels even the slightest bit sad, lonely, afraid, apathetic or suicidal talk to someone. Pick up the phone and call someone who loves you. Tell them you just need to hear some kind words or a story of why they love you. Call your GP and tell them you need help. Therapy really is wonderful and people will not be mean or judge you for it. Life is so, so tough and if anyone tells you suicide is 'the cowards way out' shut that down or if someone says it's a call for help, realise that YES that person needs help to not hurt themselves. Give them that help. Depression is a lying, manipulative, hateful disease that sits in your brain and makes you believe you're worthless.

But it's such lies. Depression is a liar. And once again, it has taken someone much loved by so many of us. I'm so angry. That this disease is still a stigma, that it is claiming some of our best people, our brightest creators. Or really just anyone that you've loved. I didn't expect to cry about this, but it's hit me hard. Chester's voice takes me back to so many times in my life.

Their music hurts at the moment, but I will listen to it and I will continue to love it. Yes their new album has a totally different sound but they couldn't write Hybrid Theory all over again, bands evolve. It sucks that some people hated it. Shamefully I hadn't listened to their newest album yet and downloaded it this morning. It has a totally different vibe in the wake of current events.

So that's about it. Please, talk to loved ones, if you're struggling or you think they are, tell someone. Let's bust this stigma and stop depression taking so many people away.

Rebecca