Being a little Scaredy Cat
Today I did something scary. I don't want to reveal what it was yet (sorry to be THAT person) through fear of failure, but just rest assured it was big and serious and scary. It carries large financial risk and will change a lot of things for me, all over again. (Sorry family. I'll make my mind up one day.)
But it got me thinking about how I was perceived by others. I always find it so interesting that we can feel one way about who we are and those around us can view us totally differently. I have thought extensively over the course of my education and particularly the last few years about my identity and I think that's only natural in your twenties. There is so much literature out there about your big bad twenties and how you're supposed to be making all of the mistakes, career and fashion and romance wise, to slowly learn and grow into the person you really are.
For example I am currently reading Daisy Buchanan's How to be a Grown-up and it is honestly awesome. It make me feel as though I may actually be doing grown up things and kind of be doing them okay if not well. Which though it isn't a revelation, does fill me with pride and hope. I am an adult, look at me wash my hair properly and tuck myself up in bed at 10pm for a good nights kip! (The book is brilliant for anyone tipping on the precipice of crisis over your twenties. I blame my best friend's little brother for getting engaged recently and making me question all my life choices because he has everything sorted and is three years younger than me.) But really, what does a 'normal life' look like? There is no set path that we should be following. So what if you have kids first or have a super long relationship before you're engaged. Everyone is different so you do you.
But today made me consider how I appear to others quite sharply. Over the last few years I have considered myself to be a little more reserved as my anxiety has peaked. I thought myself to be the conscientious but quiet observer who tucks herself away in the corner, makes thoughtful observation in groups and is generally a calming and kind influence on others. Today I was called assertive. It was delivered with a fearful giggle. These people were a touch afraid of me. At the time I was eager to back track and tell them that no I'm not overly pushy, I just like everyone around me to be reassured.
Then I called my mum and she laughed and told me they thought I was bossy, as she has been telling me since I was about 5 years old. So I did a little google:
Wikidiff (http://wikidiff.com/bossy/assertive) tells me that:
So I'm confident without being aggressive, which I can get behind. I was certainly bossy as a child (yes mum you were right) but now I think about it, I'm kinda proud that I came across as assertive. I made it seem as though I knew what I was doing. I delivered with skill and confidence.
So now I am ridiculously proud of myself, even though I felt like a tiny little scaredy cat inside and my heart was beating about 500 times a minute, it all went ok. I was confident! I was bold! Screw you self-esteem issues!
That's about all for today pals, I'm now in the middle of my busiest week at work and next week looks pretty stacked too so apologies now if i'm a little quiet. Though I am fast approaching post 100 on the blog so I'll do something celebratory and wonderful soon.
Have a lovely week & enjoy the sun while you can (safely),
Rebecca
But it got me thinking about how I was perceived by others. I always find it so interesting that we can feel one way about who we are and those around us can view us totally differently. I have thought extensively over the course of my education and particularly the last few years about my identity and I think that's only natural in your twenties. There is so much literature out there about your big bad twenties and how you're supposed to be making all of the mistakes, career and fashion and romance wise, to slowly learn and grow into the person you really are.
For example I am currently reading Daisy Buchanan's How to be a Grown-up and it is honestly awesome. It make me feel as though I may actually be doing grown up things and kind of be doing them okay if not well. Which though it isn't a revelation, does fill me with pride and hope. I am an adult, look at me wash my hair properly and tuck myself up in bed at 10pm for a good nights kip! (The book is brilliant for anyone tipping on the precipice of crisis over your twenties. I blame my best friend's little brother for getting engaged recently and making me question all my life choices because he has everything sorted and is three years younger than me.) But really, what does a 'normal life' look like? There is no set path that we should be following. So what if you have kids first or have a super long relationship before you're engaged. Everyone is different so you do you.
But today made me consider how I appear to others quite sharply. Over the last few years I have considered myself to be a little more reserved as my anxiety has peaked. I thought myself to be the conscientious but quiet observer who tucks herself away in the corner, makes thoughtful observation in groups and is generally a calming and kind influence on others. Today I was called assertive. It was delivered with a fearful giggle. These people were a touch afraid of me. At the time I was eager to back track and tell them that no I'm not overly pushy, I just like everyone around me to be reassured.
Then I called my mum and she laughed and told me they thought I was bossy, as she has been telling me since I was about 5 years old. So I did a little google:
Wikidiff (http://wikidiff.com/bossy/assertive) tells me that:
As adjectives the difference between bossy and assertive
is that bossy is tending to give orders to others, especially when unwarranted; domineering or bossy can be ornamented with bosses; studded while assertive is boldly self-assured; confident without being aggressive.So I'm confident without being aggressive, which I can get behind. I was certainly bossy as a child (yes mum you were right) but now I think about it, I'm kinda proud that I came across as assertive. I made it seem as though I knew what I was doing. I delivered with skill and confidence.
So now I am ridiculously proud of myself, even though I felt like a tiny little scaredy cat inside and my heart was beating about 500 times a minute, it all went ok. I was confident! I was bold! Screw you self-esteem issues!
That's about all for today pals, I'm now in the middle of my busiest week at work and next week looks pretty stacked too so apologies now if i'm a little quiet. Though I am fast approaching post 100 on the blog so I'll do something celebratory and wonderful soon.
Have a lovely week & enjoy the sun while you can (safely),
Rebecca
Comments
Post a Comment